"If you love bacon so much, why don't you marry it?"
Valentine's Day is one of the worst days when you're single and feeling lonely. But the day is supposed to be about love, and what could be finer than loving bacon?
Well, except for Jews, Muslims, vegetarians, vegans, and anyone else who has similar thoughts on bacon. And for those who might object to man-on-bacon love.
Jack in the Box, in its campaign to promote its bacon burger, is running an ad where a young man surprises his mother by announcing his upcoming marriage. We find out that he intends to marry bacon.
"You may now eat the bride" would be horrific in any other context, but it does prove that this marriage will be shorter than even Kim Kardashian's nuptials.
Loving bacon is one thing when bacon is the source of your love. Another Jack in the Box product, a bacon milkshake is made with "bacon-flavored syrup." If you marry bacon, consuming a "bacon" product that has no bacon would amount to cheating, and not on your diet.
Denny's Baconalia had a maple bacon sundae; while the maple was "flavored," the bacon was real. And for the Jews who eat bacon, combining the bacon with milk products would violate multiple levels of keeping Kosher.
Too often restaurants, especially fast food joints, don't appreciate bacon the way you would in a more intimate setting. You would treat it well, cooking it slowly to build up proper browning on both sides, and you wouldn't toss just any old bacon onto the frying pan. You wouldn't take it out of the pan until it was actually done, but not too crisp. Still, your bacon at home would run rings around the limp, barely cooked slices you often find in restaurants.
In promising to marry bacon, you must respect your partner, and you want your partner to respect you. Like some married couples who let themselves go, you don't want to get bacon that has too much fat. You want a leaner bacon with just enough fat to make it interesting.
In marrying bacon "for better or worse," sometimes you might settle for mediocre bacon. Hopefully, you strive for good quality bacon most of the time. "Richer or poorer" means you'll find it is worthwhile to spend a buck or two more for the better stuff. If your bacon is suffering from "sickness," well, you would have to heat things up to make sure that while the bacon is inside you, the sickness doesn't join in the fun. Opt for "bacon" leaning more toward "health."
Sounds simple when you first thought about it. "I love bacon." And okay, you can laugh at the commercial at the thought of planning an elaborate ceremony to "marry bacon."
Too often, especially in the United States, we profess to love food, but in terms of respecting what we love, we fall massively short. This doesn't mean you need to be a bacon snob, where you won't eat bacon unless you've shaken the hoof of the pig. Just be a little more aware, and have higher standards. After all, you've been told many times in the last few days that you're worth having, even if you are currently alone. You deserve the best, in love and food.