Balance of Food

Temptation of the Week: Ranch dressing instead of ketchup

Even if you don't like to eat in bars, you have to love the box of condiments you often see in bars. Ketchup, mustard, and hot sauce dominate those boxes. Hidden Valley wants you to add another bottle to the box: ranch dressing.

The company has come out with what it says is pourable ranch dressing with the idea that you would dip your French fries, onion rings, and mozzarella sticks in ranch dressing.

Ranch dressing went from obscurity to dominance in the salad dressing field. Way too often in my life, I have been at a restaurant where I could get ranch but not blue cheese dressing.

Full disclosure: I hate ranch dressing. I find it extremely boring. I like buttermilk. Okay, I love buttermilk. Too often, buttermilk ranch dressing has very little buttermilk. I like buttermilk dressing with a lot of buttermilk. But that isn't ranch dressing.

My favorite Buffalo wings place in the whole world only serves ranch dressing. I end up getting the wings to go or sneaking in blue cheese dressing.

So the idea of adding more ranch dressing to restaurant tables is depressing enough. But as sales and preferences go, I'm in the minority.

My ideal condiments box would be ketchup (without high-fructose corn syrup), mustard (yellow and brown), malt vinegar, Miracle Whip (until Kraft brought back the high-fructose corn syrup version), and hot sauce (red and green).

The two things Americans love are dips and things to dip. Condiments are supposed to enhance the flavor, what you see often in Canada and England where vinegars are lightly sprinkled on fries. A fresh aioli could be served but isn't likely to be sitting out in a condiments box. Unfortunately, you often see patrons drown their food in their condiment of choice.

The condiment manufacturers, like most food manufacturers, want you to use as much of their product as possible and then buy more. That is their desire. Your desire should be to enhance the flavor of whatever you are eating, but still be able to tell the difference between what you are eating and the condiment in question.

photo by me

Spring brings wellness lectures; tips in case you need a refresher

Today is the first day of spring, the hopeful season when we all think that we can lose that weight and eat better. Well, we're seeing larger companies get more involved in helping their employees, even if it is for selfish reasons (energy, reduced absenteeism, etc.).

So my day job held a week of wellness lectures to help reinvigorate their employees. And if your day job doesn't do something like this, or if you don't have a day or night job, here are some of their tips.

One of the lectures was run by a chiropractor who talked about health and stress. He noted that stress is essential for you to live, but too much wasn't healthy either. As he noted that, I jotted down "salt" since we are told we need salt or we will die, but too much is unhealthy. Most Americans get too much salt and stress.

Instinctively, we turn to snacks when we are stressed. Of course, if they contain salt, they are also filled with irony.

The chiropractor suggests not eating when you're stressed out, not eating after 7 pm, and snacking on nuts and seeds for Omega 3s, which can help with stress.

He listed three stress hormones, including cortisol that raises blood sugar, a careful consideration for those that have to worry about that.

If giving into stress involves not-so-great eating options (donuts?), well this can make a stressful situation worse.

The chiropractor suggests breathing, 10-minute walks (a 2-hour benefit), laughing, and the rule of 90 (keeping back and knees at 90°.

The other lecture I attended was from a dietitian on staying healthy when eating out. Her examples stemmed mostly from places such as Chili's and Applebee's, traditionally some of the worst chain restaurants for adding hidden calories. Seems like the best advice is to avoid those places entirely. Though, one tip you should take with you if you end up there. Some of the appetizers have more calories than entrees at regular restaurants. She described the Bacon Ranch Quesadilla as having 1,620 calories. That's not good … in some many ways.

She approached everything in terms of fat and calories, since a gram of fat has 9 calories vs. a gram of protein or carbohydrate, which has 4 calories. You need good fats, but to be fair, you have to try hard to find good fats, especially in chain restaurants.

While she noted that you should ask for adjustments when ordering, if you have to change more than 3 elements within an item, order something else.

Her best advice might have been the simplest: if you are eating a lot of salt, drink a lot of water. And don't weigh yourself right away after such a meal. Water retention can add up, especially in women.

Some steps were obvious: cut back or cut out cheese, mayonnaise, special sauces. Grilled and broiled is better than fried. Eat a salad or soup to cut down on hunger. Avoid the bread basket. Plan ahead online for nutritional information.

The dietitian offered up one atypical point. She noted that without cheese or mayo, a small hamburger isn't a bad choice. I confess I wanted more tips such as these. Foods can't be divided into great or horrible. Sometimes you have to make an okay choice instead of a great choice. You just don't want to make a really bad choice.

The tips weren't radically off the charts; most of them were rather basic (have to consider who the audience is). They have to assume their audience doesn't know much. And even if you think you do know them, sometimes hearing them at just the right moment is exactly what you need.

Temptation of the Week: 'Fruit and dairy' at McDonald's

Fruit and dairy. The last two words you would associate with McDonald's.

Yet, fruit and dairy are the stars of the new McDonald's ad campaign (which kicks off today), along with Ferris and his pet goat. The pet goat eats everything in sight, so Ferris tries to teach the goat to eat a balanced diet. The picture of a balanced diet is a basket with a fried chicken leg, bread, apple, and carrots alongside a bottle of milk. The rest of the way, it's all about the fruit and dairy.

McDonald's has made strides, such as they are, in tweaking the Happy Meals. This ad should have been discarded like the garbage that the goat eats.

The goat represents the way we eat, pushing things into our mouth at random with no forethought. Then the goat gets help from Ferris = eat a balanced diet. But of course, this isn't what the goat eats. In fact, we don't see the goat eating any food. We see the goat drinking cow's milk (don't think too hard about that one). In the McDonald's, we see Ferris has chicken nuggets, French fries, apples, and milk, but we never see him eat. Ferris grabs the apple slice but we don't see him eating food.

The goat is now big and strong, so he thinks, because he has had fruit and dairy. We don't see the goat eating the fruit, though he and Ferris would do better with a less-sugared fruit, like just about any other fruit in existence. Apples are very high in natural sugar.

If you are going to McDonald's for fruit and dairy, you can buy a gallon of milk for about twice the cost of a half-pint at McDonald's (there are 16 half-pints in a gallon). And you can get apples and other assorted fruit, probably better tasting fruit, at a farmers market or a grocery store.

The three foods best associated with McDonald's are hamburgers, fries, and soft drinks. As someone who grew up in a long ago time, we had the Hamburglar, the small French fry packet with legs, and Grimace's obsession with milkshakes. These merry band of food tie-ins were led by a clown aimed at children.

We were filled with emotional tie-ins to the fast food but we weren't filled with irony. We knew that hamburgers and fries weren't everyday food. If you have a treat every day, it's no longer a treat.

Watching McDonald's push fruit and dairy is like watching Alicia Silverstone do a commercial for a steakhouse; it's unnatural. McDonald's manages to push this without a human eating any food and the only drink comes from a goat; it's not like Alicia is going to put the steak in her mouth.

If McDonald's thinks it is important to be smarter in marketing to children, show a child, a live child, eating an apple slice and drinking some milk. See the child also eat a French fry and a small bite from a hamburger and chicken nugget. Have the announcer point out that it takes all kinds of food to give a young child energy to deal with the day. The child won't just live on fruit and dairy, but also recognize that constant fast food won't cut it either. Then, if nothing else, the commercial will be honest. And that would be a refreshing change in marketing fast food to kids.

'Colbert Report' pokes fun at shrinking candy bars, second breakfasts

Serving sizes were already on Stephen Colbert's menu thanks to his should-be-award-winning attack on Wheat Thins. So when Mars announced that by 2013, none of their candy bars would be over 250 calories, Colbert launched that as his latest installment of "Thought for Food."

The company says the move is designed to instill "responsible snacking." Colbert mocks this with joke-filled questions such as "Can I get that Nestle Crunch with brown rice?"

He meant that as a joke, but that would be fun to have a dark chocolate version with brown rice. Back when I ate candy bars as a kid, Nestle Crunch was one of my favorites.

Does it matter whether you eat one candy bar of 500 calories or two candy bars of 250 calories? If you can stop yourself at one candy bar, then go for a mini — even fewer than 250 calories. This works if you can trick yourself. And it helps let candy bar makers feel better.

Then again, if you are eating 1,800 calories a day, then a "smaller" candy bar is about 15% of your caloric intake.

"America won the space race … of taking up the most space."

Colbert also honored Taco Bell's Fourth Meal with the new joy we wrote about this week: the second breakfast.

"For too long, we've been stuck with strict government-approved timeslots for cramming things into our faceslots. And I don't know about you, but I always get hungry after breakfast. In fact, sometimes I get hungry during breakfast. I need something to tide me over while my fork makes the journey from my eggs to my potatoes."

Colbert riffed on the other possibilities for names post-breakfast, pre-brunch, dinner prequel, sleep breakfast, and pre-dawn fondue nightmare.

After his riff, Colbert wanted a king-sized Snickers, but settles for 3 regular-size Snickers bars.

It's all about what you eat, not how you justify it.

Two breakfasts aren't better than one if they lead to eating more food

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, would two breakfasts be twice as important?

As the latest food trend, two breakfasts isn't so much two whole breakfasts but breaking up the breakfast over two moments within the morning. In some cases, people use a second breakfast in place of a morning snack.

For those who hate eating first thing in the morning, or can't get going well enough to have time for a decent breakfast, the two breakfast system sounds like a dream. The biggest question to ask is whether people are eating more as a result.

Discipline is usually the one lacking element of keeping things on track. More temptation can lead to more dietary disasters.

When I ate bad, I would eat breakfast and then go to work. If there was free food at work, I would have a second breakfast if it was there. No food, no second breakfast. Food = second breakfast.

When I started to eat better, I ate less for breakfast and nothing before lunch. Our intern at the time asked me on this plan if I was hungry about 11:30 a.m. My stomach could have spoken for me; I verbally added a "yes" to the reply.

Now I'm not even tempted when free food comes in the morning. And I'm not usually tempted to eat between breakfast and lunch. Some of that is what I eat for breakfast, but when I stopped associating free food as necessary food, my desire for a second breakfast disappeared. And if I was tempted, I would take it and eat it as a dessert for lunch.

The idea in eating breakfast is to eat enough to give you energy to get to lunchtime. An afternoon snack can make more sense than a morning snack. But for those who can't eat that much in the morning, and can make a smart choice for the second breakfast (not so much on free bagels and donuts at the office), two breakfasts can work … with smart discipline.

Of course, you could go to the ridiculous extreme of having a gigantic breakfast, such as one found in a diner in Great Yarmouth, England.

The diner has the audacity of calling it a "Kidz Breakfast" — the meal weighs about 9 lb. and contains 6,000 calories. Here is what you get:

12 pieces of bacon, 12 sausages, 6 eggs, 4 slices of black pudding, 4 slices of bread and butter, 4 slices of toast, 4 slices of fried bread, 2 hash browns, an 8-egg cheese and potato omelet, sautéed potatoes, mushrooms, beans, and tomatoes.

Figure that you ate this with 10 other people, you would still get a decent amount of food to start your day. If you and 4 others evenly divided the breakfast, you would eat more than half of the recommended calorie daily amount at breakfast.

Even when we are told that breakfast is the most important meal, our choices are usually the least thought out. We think about what we eat for dinner and lunch; breakfast is more of an after-thought. Breakfast, if done properly, can lead you on a good path for the day, and you can afford a "slip-up" or two throughout the day if your breakfast goes well.

And as you've learned from me, you can do dinner for breakfast. You are not limited to traditional breakfast food. A mix of reasonably healthy carbohydrates and protein can make a big difference.

If you have to spread that out over two periods in the morning, keep a good carbohydrates/protein ratio each time and limit the calories. Don't think so much about each interval as long as you are getting an appropriate amount of calories for the day.

Stephen Colbert mocks concept of serving size in Wheat Thins parody

"I would love to pour this whole box in my mouth right now, but the memo clearly states that 'we can't show overconsumption'. That is a 'brand don't'. You see the serving size for Wheat Thins is 16 crackers, so as delicious as they are, I shouldn't eat more than 16."

The serving size for Wheat Thins is 16 crackers. This has now been drilled into our head, thanks to Stephen Colbert.

"If they are shown out of the box (like in a bowl), there should only be a max of 16," — from the memo.

"While Wheat Thins is 'a snack for anyone who is actively seeking experiences,' those experiences do not include the experience of eating 17 crackers," Colbert said.

When reading the label on processed food, you have to pay attention to the serving size to get a true impact of what you are about to eat. If you tend to eat twice the serving size, you should take the numbers and double them.

Colbert poured out the box and magically only 16 crackers came out … into the big giant bowl. The visual was as startling as it was hilarious. He then proceeded to put all 16 crackers in his mouth at once. As he dared to actually put the 17th cracker in his mouth, the show cut away (in its usual style). Colbert then reappeared sans crackers in his mouth, reading an apology from a "suit" standing behind the sheepish Colbert.

What a wonderful way to mock the limitations of the serving size and marketing-ese that flooded the memo. Attention food companies: send a memo to the "Colbert Report" at your own risk.

Having a sense of how much you should eat is a serious and noble thing. Mindlessly eating crackers or other snack foods can add up over time. But stopping at an arbitrary amount set by a corporation? Well, that sounds as silly as the way Colbert presented it to be.

Temptation of the Week: Girl Scout cookies

"Mmmmm. You can taste the palm oil."
— actual quote from me after eating a Thin Mints cookie.

Okay, so I was being sarcastic. You can't literally taste the palm oil. But you may notice it when it's gone.

As heart-warming as the Girl Scouts are, and all of the wonderful things they do and learn, and how they need our support against a bizarre political accusation, you might be inclined not to buy the Girl Scout cookies … for the palm oil.

You've read the stories about the evils of palm oil, and how the Girl Scouts just won't take the palm oil out of the cookies.

This is also Girl Scouts cookie season when your co-workers that are parents or you're the parent and Girl Scout cookies are all around the office. Or someone you know bought some and passed one onto you.

My boss at my day job offered me a Thin Mint and I took it. It was good. Quite good. But I didn't want to eat a whole box. None would have been sad; one was just right.

I could have said "no" because of palm oil or high-fructose corn syrup or calories or any of a number of good excuses. And I had turned down the peanut butter kind. I said "yes" because I wanted a Thin Mint cookie.

Would it be better with sugar instead of high-fructose corn syrup? Oh, yea. Would it be better with trans fats rather than palm oil? No. Would it be better without palm oil? My hunch is that the taste would change, and not for the better.

I'm also not eating 10-20 cookies. One cookie with some palm oil won't make a difference.

How many are too much? Like the owl in the 1970's Tootsie Pop commercial, you can't always know the answer to some questions.

If you really feel bad about what is in the cookies, you can buy the cookies and not eat them. Buy the cookies and give them to someone else. Give the Girl Scouts money and don't take the cookies.

At some point, the Girl Scouts will likely get rid of palm oil in the cookies, and maybe high-fructose corn syrup. But we aren't going to hold our collective breath on this. Enjoy the cookies or don't. If you do take a cookie or a box, enjoy them at a leisurely pace. After all, a cookie is a treat but the money you give to those Girl Scouts pays itself in multiples down the road. The future of these young women is more important than a little extra palm oil in your life.

Eat as if you always have witnesses

Ew. Seriously? So gross.
Ew. Seriously? That is so gross.
Ew. Seriously? Dude, that is so totally gross.

You likely have seen the GEICO ad. Guy is trying to lose weight, but as he notes, "weight loss programs can be expensive." So he hires three popular middle-school girls to observe what he eats and react accordingly.

Too often, when we go a little nuts, we don't invite people to be witnesses. We go through this alone.

The guy in the commercial is easily tempted, but gets the clear message that he shouldn't be eating what he picks.

Because in real life, it would be creepy to have three 13-year-old girls follow you around day and night to see what you're eating, perhaps you might want to ask yourself, "Do I want someone to watch me eat this?" If not, you could put it back or not order it. Or if you do, maybe have just a little.

Otherwise, that would be totally gross. Seriously.

Valentine's Day reminds us to set high standards in bacon, love, and food

"If you love bacon so much, why don't you marry it?"

Valentine's Day is one of the worst days when you're single and feeling lonely. But the day is supposed to be about love, and what could be finer than loving bacon?

Well, except for Jews, Muslims, vegetarians, vegans, and anyone else who has similar thoughts on bacon. And for those who might object to man-on-bacon love.

Jack in the Box, in its campaign to promote its bacon burger, is running an ad where a young man surprises his mother by announcing his upcoming marriage. We find out that he intends to marry bacon.

"You may now eat the bride" would be horrific in any other context, but it does prove that this marriage will be shorter than even Kim Kardashian's nuptials.

Loving bacon is one thing when bacon is the source of your love. Another Jack in the Box product, a bacon milkshake is made with "bacon-flavored syrup." If you marry bacon, consuming a "bacon" product that has no bacon would amount to cheating, and not on your diet.

Denny's Baconalia had a maple bacon sundae; while the maple was "flavored," the bacon was real. And for the Jews who eat bacon, combining the bacon with milk products would violate multiple levels of keeping Kosher.

Too often restaurants, especially fast food joints, don't appreciate bacon the way you would in a more intimate setting. You would treat it well, cooking it slowly to build up proper browning on both sides, and you wouldn't toss just any old bacon onto the frying pan. You wouldn't take it out of the pan until it was actually done, but not too crisp. Still, your bacon at home would run rings around the limp, barely cooked slices you often find in restaurants.

In promising to marry bacon, you must respect your partner, and you want your partner to respect you. Like some married couples who let themselves go, you don't want to get bacon that has too much fat. You want a leaner bacon with just enough fat to make it interesting.

In marrying bacon "for better or worse," sometimes you might settle for mediocre bacon. Hopefully, you strive for good quality bacon most of the time. "Richer or poorer" means you'll find it is worthwhile to spend a buck or two more for the better stuff. If your bacon is suffering from "sickness," well, you would have to heat things up to make sure that while the bacon is inside you, the sickness doesn't join in the fun. Opt for "bacon" leaning more toward "health."

Sounds simple when you first thought about it. "I love bacon." And okay, you can laugh at the commercial at the thought of planning an elaborate ceremony to "marry bacon."

Too often, especially in the United States, we profess to love food, but in terms of respecting what we love, we fall massively short. This doesn't mean you need to be a bacon snob, where you won't eat bacon unless you've shaken the hoof of the pig. Just be a little more aware, and have higher standards. After all, you've been told many times in the last few days that you're worth having, even if you are currently alone. You deserve the best, in love and food.

Temptation of the Week: Be Good to Yourself

People of a certain generation might remember the Journey song with that title off the Raised on Radio album from 1986. As good as the song is, the message is more important. We are told to stop and smell the roses, but we aren't usually told to stop and be good to ourselves.

So what does this have to do with food?

Valentine's Day means different things depending on your current category. You have somebody or you don't have somebody.

Those who have someone go through their own hell of dressing up and sitting in expensive restaurants eating overpriced food in order to prove "love." Oysters, chocolate — hopefully not together — are on the love menu.

Those who don't have someone have the most obvious hell. They are bombarded with commercials about valentines and love, yet they feel like it's a party where they can't swing an invite.

Their culinary options include making heart-shaped cookies and then breaking them or eating out of a pint of ice cream, no bowl necessary.

Neither option sounds that great.

This is where Journey kicks in.

"Be good to yourself when nobody else will. Oh, be good to yourself."

This doesn't mean you should be pious in your food choices on February 14. Indulge if you would like. If you are aching for a steak, go for it. If pad Thai will soothe you, consider it done. Blood orange salad, make it happen.

In making a Valentine's Day meal for yourself, if that is the route to go, make it fun but not self-deprecating. Have fun with it, but be upbeat.

Easier said than done. Just pretend you're making a special meal for someone you like, and can't make that connection, or imagine someone special you will meet someday. Once you are done making that meal, give it to someone who appreciates a great home-cooked meal: you. After all, aren't you someone special?

Being alone on Valentine's Day means nobody else is there to be good to you. So take the reins, drive the train that is you, and make yourself a Valentine's Day meal. The only bad part is that you have to clean it up yourself. Be good to yourself … and wait until February 15 to clean up the kitchen.